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Seven Ways to Beat Shyness 克服害羞的七种途径

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Shyness has long been a great concern for many people. What to do about shyness? The article below provides us with ways to overcome shyness. Read it and see whether these ways are effective.

害羞长期以来一直困扰着很多人。如何对待害羞呢?下面这篇文章为我们提供了克服害羞的一些办法。 阅读文章,并且看一看是不是有效。

The 43-year-old woman lived in constant fear of strangers, whether at parties with her husband or at school functions1 with her three children. “I endured these events,” she says, “by keeping as quiet as possible, not looking any one just in the eye, and just waiting for the hour when I could go home. I felt others saw how uncomfortable I was.”

一位43岁的妇女总是生活在对陌生人的恐惧中,无论是和丈夫一起出席晚会,还是和她的三个孩子参加学校的典礼。“我忍受着这些场合,”她说,“尽可能保持沉默,不看任何人的眼睛,等待可以回家的时刻,我感觉到别人也看出我有多不自在。”

Today this woman has learned to overcome her shyness, using techniques found to be successful in countless cases. She has a circle of friends and she participates in activities at her kids' school. And she now realizes that she wasn't alone in her problem.

现在,这位妇女已经学会了克服害羞,使用很多情况下都很成功的技巧。她现在有自己的朋友圈,参加孩子学校的各种活动。她现在意识到,不仅仅她一个人曾 有这种困惑。

Often mistakenly regarded as a childhood stage that people outgrow, shyness is surprisingly widespread. Philip Zimbardo, a Stanford University psychologist, co-director of the Shyness Institute and author of Shyness: What It Is, What to Do About It, surveyed more than 10 000 people during the 1970s and ‘80s and found that approximately 40 percent of this sample described themselves as shy.

人们常常错误地认为,羞怯只存在于童年时代,成人后就会摆脱掉,但令人惊讶的是,害羞普遍存在。斯坦福大学心理学家菲利普·辛巴杜是羞怯协会的副董事,《什么是害羞,如何克服害羞》一书的作者。他在七、八十年代对一万多人进行了调查,发现大约有40%的人认为自己是害羞的人。

Another study of 1 600 people, conducted by psychologist Bernardo Carducci, places the figure at 48 percent. According to Zimbardo, an additional 15 percent are “situationally shy, experiencing shyness in certain stressful circumstances, such as speaking in public.” The research indicates that males and females are equally shy.

心理学家伯纳德·卡多西曾对1600人做过一次调查,调查表明该数据为48%。辛巴杜认为另外有15%的人属于“情境型害羞,在某些有压力的环境下会胆怯,比如在公众前发言。”研究还还表明男性和女性一样害羞。

There may be no “cures” for shyness. However, research is uncovering ways shy people can overcome their problem so it doesn't take such a toll2 on their happiness. Here's the best of the experts' advice:

可能没有根治害羞的办法,但是所做的研究正在发现一些途径,帮助害羞的人克服自己的问题,不至于让它严重影响他们的幸福。以下是专家建议中最好的:

1. Use a journal to get to the root of your fears. “A written record is a cheap, effective therapist,” says psychotherapist Christopher McCullough, author of Always at Ease: Overcoming Anxiety and Shyness in Every Situation. “We know more about ourselves than we think we know, and it's often surprising what comes out when we write down our thoughts and fears.”

1.记日记以找到害羞的根源。精神治疗医师克里斯托弗·麦克洛夫著有《轻松自如:克服焦虑和害羞》一书。他说,“书面记录是便宜有效的临床医学家。我们对自己的了解比我们认为自己对自己的了解要多,因此当我们记下自己的想法和恐惧时,显现的结果往往令人吃惊。”

One of McCullough's former patients, a single woman in her mid-30s, suffered severe shyness about dating. “She wrote down everything that happened surrounding a date: getting the phone call, making arrangements to go out, what was said during the date, what was said about future plans,” McCullough says, “as well as what she was thinking while all this was going on.” The woman noticed a recurrent theme. “She was afraid that a man might like her, but she might not like him - and then she wouldn't know how to get out of the relationship.”

麦克洛夫过去有个病人是位三十多岁的单身女性,非常惧怕约会。麦克洛夫说,“她把约会时发生的一切都写下来:接电话,安排出门,约会时说了什么,谈到未来的计划时说了什么,以及当这一切进行时她自己都在想什么。”这样,这位女士注意到一个反复出现的主题。“她害怕某个男士会喜欢上她,而自己可能不喜欢这位男士——而她不知道如何摆脱这种关系。”

McCullough explains that they talked about things she could say to men she didn't want to see any more. “Once she had those tools, dating became much less stressful.”

麦克解释说,他们讨论了她同自己不想再见面的男士能说些什么。“一旦她知道该怎么办,约会的压力就小多了。”

Though the woman was situationally shy - only one aspect of her life, dating, was problematic - a journal can be a helpful tool for the temperamentally shy as well. According to psychologist Jonathan Cheek, author of Conquering Shyness: A Personalized Approach, two-thirds of shy people can identify specific events in their lives that contributed to their shyness. Once the causes are identified, says Cheek, “you can deal with them in a constructive way.”

尽管这位女士属于情境型害羞,仅仅在她生活的“约会”一个方面存在问题,日记同样也是解决性格型害羞的有效途径。著有《征服胆怯:个性化的途径》一书的心理学家乔纳森·奇克认为,在害羞的人中,有三分之二 的人能确认生活中导致他们胆怯的具体事件。奇克说:“一旦找到了原因,你就可以用积极的方式来解决问题。”

2. Create a “character” - an unshy version of yourself - and rehearse your own scenes. Zimbardo tells the story of a 50-year-old woman who found acting to be a solution to her shyness. “I discovered that my embarrassment vanished when I assumed a role in a play,” she wrote him. “It wasn't me on the stage. It was a character.”

2. 创造一个新“角色”——一个不害羞的你——并排练你自己的场景。辛巴杜讲述了一位50岁女士的故事,她发现角色扮演是克服害羞的好途径。她写信给辛巴杜说:“当我假定自己是剧中的一个角色时,自己的尴尬消失了。舞台上的不是我。那是一个角色。”

This division of the self into “the real you and the role you,” says Zimbardo, is also common among “shy extroverts” - people who appear outgoing in public yet are shy in private. “Approximately 15 percent of those who are shy fit this description.”

辛巴杜说,把自我分成“真实的自我和角色自我”,这同样适用于“性格外向的害羞者”——那些人前显得很开朗,而私下却挺害羞的人。“大约有15%的害羞者属于这一类型。”

Many popular entertainers, including American TV show hosts Johnny Carson and David Letterman, are shy but feel more at ease when they're on stage or on camera, Zimbardo says. Such successes are why some shy people get involved in community theater, debating societies or Toastmasters. During these activities they can temporarily “be” the unshy person.

很多受欢迎的艺人也很害羞,包括美国电视节目主持人约翰·卡森和大卫·雷德曼,不过在舞台上或面对镜头时,他们会很放松,辛巴杜说。这就是为什么一些害羞的人参与社区剧团,辩论会或充当社区主持人的原因。在这些活动中,他们可以暂时“成为”不害羞的人。

Cynthia Finch, director of the Reticence Program at a Pennsylvania university, helped a shy student prepare to tell his father that he was leaving the school's Reserve Officers' Training Corps program. “He wrote a ‘script' of the conversation he was fearful of, including what he wanted to say, what his father might say, and how to answer,” Finch says. Afterward, she adds, the young man was less hesitant to talk to his father about other subjects that were important to him.

辛西娅·芬奇是宾夕法尼亚大学沉默项目的主任,她曾帮助一位羞怯的学生告诉他的父亲,他准备离开学校的预备军官训练团。芬奇说,“他为自己害怕面临的谈话写了一份‘稿子’,包括他自己要说什么,父亲可能说什么,以及如何回答 。”她补充说,后来这个年轻人要和父亲谈一些重要事情时就不那么犹犹豫豫、吞吞吐吐了。

Scripting can be used with role-playing to rehearse for any scene in your life, whether it's asking your boss for a raise or meeting your child's teacher. When you rehearse these encounters, you've prepared what you're going to say, and you will be more confident going into the conversation.

写‘稿子’可以和角色扮演结合排练生活中的任何场面,不论是要求老板加薪还是要见孩子的老师。你在排练这些会面时就准备好了要说的话,这样实际交谈时就会更加自信。

“Shy people are often too concerned with whether or not their actions reflect their real selves,” Zimbardo explains. “Like an actor, you must learn to dissolve the boundary between the so-called real you and the role you play. Let your actions speak for themselves and eventually they'll be speaking for you.”

“害羞的人经常太在意自己的行为是否反映了真实的自我,”辛巴杜解释道,“你必需象一个演员,学会消除所谓真实的你和扮演的角色之间的界限。随你的行 动自己说话,它们最终会为你说话。”

3. Do your homework. Bernardo Carducci calls this technique “social reconnaissance.” “If you're going to a party,” he suggests, “find out who will be there, what they do, what their interests are.” If you're making a business presentation to people you haven't met, find out something about their backgrounds. “You'll feel more in control when it comes time to make conversation,” he adds.

3.做好准备工作。伯纳德·卡多西把这一技巧叫做“社会侦察”。他建议,“如果你要参加一个晚会,去搞清楚谁会出席,他们的职业,他们的兴趣如何。”如果你要向未见过面的人做业务陈述,找一些他们的背景资料。“当真正会谈时你会觉得一切都在控制之中,”他补充说。

Another type of homework: look for a group that shares some interest of yours. Marjorie Coburn, director of a phobia and anxiety treatment center in California, helped the 43-year-old woman who was uncomfortable about strangers. Coburn learned that the woman had always wanted to learn to quilt. So at Coburn's suggestion, the woman signed up for a quilting class. There, she was able to talk with others about something she was interested in, even though these people were strangers. Her in-class conversations led to some friendships and socializing outside class. “For the first time,” Coburn says, “she actually enjoyed being with people. Moreover, she became less shy in other situations.”

另外一种准备工作是:寻找有共同爱好的群体。玛乔里·库本是加利福尼亚州恐怖焦虑症治疗中心的主任,她曾帮助一位43岁的怕和陌生人打交道的妇女。她得知这位妇女一直想学缝被子。在玛乔里·库本的建议下,她报名参加了一个缝被子班。在那里,她开始和别人谈论一些感兴趣的事情,尽管这些也是陌生人。课堂上的交谈给她带来了友谊和课堂外的交往。库本说:"她第一次真正喜欢和别人在一起,并且在其他一些场合也不再那么害羞。”

4. Change your body language. “Shy people send out signals of coolness or withdrawal, often without realizing it,” says psychologist Arthur Wassmer, author of Making Contact: A Guide to Overcoming Shyness. “What they're constantly telegraphing is: ‘I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm intimidated.' “Unfortunately, other people don't get those messages. They interpret this body language as aloofness or conceit and stay away, making the shy person feel even more insecure.

4.改变你的肢体语言。著有《保持联系:克服害羞指南》一书的心理学家阿瑟·沃斯默说:“害羞的人发出冷漠或退缩的信号,并且常常意识不到。他们发送的信息往往是这样:‘我感到恐惧,害怕,我被吓倒了。' 不幸的是,别人却不这样理解。他们把这些肢体语言解释为冷淡或自负,因而远离你,让害羞的人更没有安全感。”

“Of all the techniques,” Wassmer adds, “simple changes in body language are the most surprising in terms of immediate results. Patients would say to me, ‘I had more conversations with people in the last week than I had in the last year!'”

“在所有的技巧中,”沃斯默补充道,“简单地改变身体语言最能带来令人吃惊的直接结果。病人们对我说,‘我上周和别人的交谈比去年一年还多!’”

Wassmer uses a one-word reminder to list all the body-language signals that project warmth and likability: SOFTEN. “S” stands for “smile,” “O” for “open posture” (legs and arms uncrossed), “F” for “forward lean,” “T “ for “touch” or friendly physical contact (shaking hands, for example), “E” for “eye contact” and “N” for “nod” (affirming you're listening and understanding). “By softening the image you send out to the world, you'll earn the friendliness and positive responses that make strangers seem less intimidating,” Wassmer claims.

沃斯默用一个单词来代表所有可以表现出热情讨喜的身体语言信号:SOFTEN(放松)。S代表smile (微笑);O代表open posture(敞开的体态),即双腿和双臂不交叉;F代表forward lean(向前倾);T代表touch(触摸)或友好的身体接触,例如握手;E代表eye contact(眼睛的接触);N代表 nod(点头)证实你正在听并且理解。“通过向外传递一个放松的形象,你会获得友谊和积极的回应,陌生人就不会给你胁迫感,”沃斯默声称。

Shy people find conversation difficult; they hardly ever speak up because they're too busy worrying about the impression they're making. Researchers have found that to keep a conversation moving along, unshy people instinctively use conversational feedback such as “Yes, I agree” or “How interesting.”

害羞的人觉得交谈很困难;他们几乎从来不大声说话,因为他们太忙于顾虑自己给别人留下的印象。研究者发现为了使交谈进行下去,不害羞的人 会本能地使用一些交谈反馈,比如“是啊,我同意”或者“多有趣啊。”

When conversation lags, ask open-ended questions such as “How did you get into your line of work?” “Open-ended questions are a signal that you're friendly,” says Jonathan Berent, a psychotherapist and author of Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties. “Such questions also keep the focus on the other person - not you.”

当交谈不那么顺畅时,可以问一些开放式的问题,比如“你是怎么进入这一行的?”“这样的问题是友好的信号,而且把谈话中心放在了对方,而不是你自己 ,”著有《超越害羞:如何战胜社交焦虑》一书的精神治疗医师乔纳森·贝仁特这样认为。

5. Let others in on your secret. Christopher McCullough once counseled a man who liked his job but dreaded monthly meetings in which he had to participate. He was afraid he'd say something stupid or even panic and run out of the room - and lose his job if he did. Finally he confided his fears to his boss, who told him that he could leave the room if he needed to, that his job was not at risk. “Eventually this calmed the worker down,” McCullough says, “and he was able to get through meetings and even participate.”

5. 让别人知悉你的秘密。克里斯托弗·麦克洛夫曾经做过一个人的顾问,他喜欢自己的工作,却惧怕每月必须参加的例会。他害怕自己会说些愚蠢的话或者恐慌得夺门而逃,因而失去工作。最后他把自己的恐惧向老板倾诉,老板告诉他 ,如果他认为必要就可以离开房间,没有丢工作的危险。麦克洛夫讲:“这样终于使他平静下来,能够开完会,甚至参与会议。”

A major complaint of shy people is that their families, friends and even doctors don't take their problem seriously. Marjorie Coburn advises a shy person to find “safe people” who accept their shyness - not those who tell them to come out of their shell. “You want people who'll listen to your fears without making judgments,” she emphasizes.

害羞的人抱怨他们的家人、朋友甚至医生不把他们的问题当真。玛乔里·库本建议害羞的人去寻找“可靠的人”。他们能接受他们的羞怯,而不是要求他们别再羞怯。“你需要 倾听你倾诉而不做评论的人,”她强调。

6. Envision the worst-case scenario. Dr. Paul Bohn, former director of the Social and Performance Anxiety Clinic at the University of California, Los Angeles, asks patients to discuss their greatest fears in front of fellow shyness-sufferers. For instance, if someone is afraid of giving a speech, he might be asked by the group: What's the evidence for your fear? “People laughed at me when I was a kid.” What's the evidence against it? “No one has laughed at me for years.” What's the worst that could happen? “They'll laugh at me!” And what'll happen then? “Either I'll laugh with them, or I'll never come back to speak to the group again.” So even the worst-case scenario is hardly the catastrophe that the person had imagined.

6. 想象一下最糟糕的情景。保罗·鲍恩医生是加利福尼亚大学社交行为焦虑诊所前任主任。他要求病人们在害羞的同伴面前讨论自己最害怕的事情。例如,如果有人害怕发表演说,人们会问他下面的问题:你害怕的根据是什么?“当我是孩子的时候人们嘲笑我。”反对它的根据又是什么?“多年来没有人再嘲笑我了。”可能发生的最糟糕的情况是什么?“他们会嘲笑我!”然后又会发生什么?“或者和他们一起笑,或者再也不在公众前讲话了。”你看,即使最糟糕的情况也没他们想象的那么糟。

One common fear that often does come true is the onset of physical symptoms that sometimes accompany shyness: perspiration, a shaking voice, blushing. Yet research shows that these symptoms aren't nearly as noticeable to others

一个常见的担心,是有时会伴随着害羞的一些身体症状:出汗,声音颤抖,脸红。而这种担心通常确会变为现实。然而研究表明 ,这些并没有象他们所害怕的那样受到其他人的注意。

7. Take small steps. Marjorie Coburn used this technique to help a 35-year-old bookkeeper. The woman wanted to earn an accounting degree but was too shy to take classes. “She was afraid that she would be called on to speak,” she says. “We worked up to her goal gradually.”

7.采取小的步骤。玛乔里·库本使用这一技巧帮助了一位35岁的会计。这位妇女想获得一个会计学学位,但她害怕去上课。“她害怕被提问,”她说,"我们鼓励她逐步向目标靠近。”

First, she just walked around a university campus. Next, she signed up for a seminar, sat in the back and didn't speak to anyone. At another seminar, she talked to the person next to her. “Eventually,” says Coburn, “she enrolled for a bookkeeping course.” If she was called on, she could respond easily, thanks to her own authority on the subject.

开始,她只是在大学校园里转一转,接下来报名参加了一个研讨会,她坐在后排,也不和任何人讲话。下一次研讨会上她开始和旁边的人说话。库本说,“最后她报名参加了一个 会计学习班。”因为所教的课程她都会,提问时就能轻松回答。

Finally the woman enrolled in the accounting program and did so well she was asked to tutor students. “When she took on the role of teacher, her shyness went away,” Coburn notes. If shy people work at it, says Jonathan Cheek, most are able to cope with their problem. “It is work,” he adds, “but it's a battle they can win.”“You're not going to wake up one morning transformed into the life of the party,” Cheek continues. “In fact, you may always feel shy inside. But you'll forge ahead anyway and connect with others. And in doing so, you'll be refusing to stand on the sidelines of life. That's the real victory.”

最终这位妇女注册了会计学课程。她学得很好,甚至受邀辅导学生。“当她担任教师这一角色时,她的羞怯消失得无影无踪,”库本指出。乔纳森·奇克说,如果害羞的人去克服害羞,大多数人能够解决自己的问题。“这是一项工作,也是一场能赢的战斗,”他补充道。“你并不是一觉醒来就进入了社会生活,”奇克接着说,“事实上,你可能内心一直很害羞,但无论如何你会向前迈进,和其他人接触。这样,你就不会站在生活的边缘。这是真正的胜利。”

(1847 words)
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