Class, Lass and Ass
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow."
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
Be Much Worse
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
Wait a Minute
Tom: My grand God, what does a millennium mean to you?
God: It only means a minute.
Tom: My omnipotent god, what do 10,000 golden coins mean to you?
God: Just a small coin.
Tom: My humane god, please give me a small coin.
God: Ok, poor man, please wait a minute.
THE FIRST TIME
Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.
Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.
Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?
Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.
The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner, after breaking away from a woman who sought advice on a health problem.
"Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him.
"Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services by giving advice."
"Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that."
When the doctor went to his office the next day to send the bill to the woman, he found a letter from the lawyer. It read:
"For legal services, $50."
Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.
Mother: How did he do it?
Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.
I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.
"Good evening," he said, "may I speak with Leah Jonason?"
"She is a baby, " I replied.
"All right," said the caller, "I'll try again later."
Two old friends got together after many years and soon fell to discussing their husbands' faults.
"We've been married fifteen years," one woman said, "and every night after dinner my husband always complains about the food."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the other. "Does it bother you?"
"Why should it bother me?" her friend replied. "if he can't only stand his own cooking?"
AN ENERGETIC WIFE
Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?
Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.
Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?
Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.
The portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctor's office after a routine examination. "Here," said the doctor, "follow this diet, and I want to see three-fourths of you back here for a check-up in three months."
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
TWO HEARTS BEATING
Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?
Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.
Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.
AN ANGRY WIFE'S PRAYER
A man is so addicted to gambling that he often comes home late. His wife never stops railing at him. Once he is detained at his office and comes home late. His wife accuses him of gambling again but he swears he was detained in his office. "I pray to God that you are speaking the truth", his wife says.
"May God strike me dead if I am lying."
"Then I pray to God that you are lying", his wife said hopefully.
SHE'D RATHER BUY A GIFT
While on a trip, Mom realized that she had forgotten a present for Dad's birthday. "That's okay," he said, "The only thing I want is for you to love, honor and obey." Mom pondered that idea and then replied "I'd rather buy you a gift."
Friend for Dinner
"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Whose Son Is the Greatest
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor.'"
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'"
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds," she said, "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'"
The Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."