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Class, Lass and Ass
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day,  so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow."
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
班级、情人和蠢驴
汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面,因此他在黑板上写道:“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。
一位学生看到这条通知后,觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了,就走上前,将“class”中的“c”擦掉,将意思变为“汤姆教授明天将和情妇见面”。教授听到笑声,转过身走回来,看了看那位学生,又看看被改动过的通知,不动声色地走上前,把“lass”中的“l”擦掉,将意思改为“汤姆教授明天将和蠢驴见面”。看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生,教授扬长而去。

Be Much Worse
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
可能更糟
警察:当你的手表被抢的时候,你为什么不大声喊叫呢?
男士:如果我张嘴喊叫,他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那样情况就更糟了!

Wait a Minute
Tom: My grand God, what does a millennium mean to you?
God: It only means a minute.
Tom: My omnipotent god, what do 10,000 golden coins mean to you?
God: Just a small coin.
Tom: My humane god, please give me a small coin.
God: Ok, poor man, please wait a minute.
等一分钟
汤姆:我伟大的上帝,一千年对你来说,意味着什么?
上帝:它只意味着一分钟。
汤姆:我万能的上帝,一万枚金币对你来说,意味着什么?
上帝:它只意味着一枚小硬币。
汤姆:我仁慈的上帝,那就请给我一枚小硬币吧!
上帝:好吧,可怜的人,请等一分钟吧。

THE FIRST TIME
Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.
Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.
第一次
病人:我很害怕,这是我第一次动手术。
外科医生:我完全理解你的心情。这也是我第一次动手术。

GOOD SIGHT
Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?
Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.
好视力
律师:你说你离事故现场约有35英尺,你能看清多远的东西?
证人:这么说吧,早上起床后我看见太阳,别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。

EXPENSIVE ADVICE
The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner, after breaking away from a woman who sought advice on a health problem.
"Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him.
"Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services by giving advice."
"Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that."
When the doctor went to his office the next day to send the bill to the woman, he found a letter from the lawyer. It read:
"For legal services, $50."
昂贵的建议
大夫在打发走了一个就健康问题向他咨询的妇女之后,最后来到餐桌上。
“你认为我应该向她收费吗?”大夫问坐在身边的一个律师。
“有什么不应该?”律师答道,“你通过提建议提供了职业性服务。”
“谢谢,”大夫说道,“看来我得这么做。”
第二天当大夫去办公室给那位妇女写账单时,他收到律师的一封信。信中写道:
“请付法律服务费50美元。”

HIS FAULT
Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.
Mother: How did he do it?
Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.
他的错
比利:妈妈,波比打坏了窗玻璃。
妈妈:他怎么打的?
比利:我向他扔石头,他躲开了。

TELEMARKETER
I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.
"Good evening," he said, "may I speak with Leah Jonason?"
"She is a baby, " I replied.
"All right," said the caller, "I'll try again later."
电话推销员
一天晚上我接了一个电话,对方的声音使我很快意识到他是个电话推销员。
“晚上好,”他说,“我想和利厄乔纳森说话。”
“她是个婴儿,”我回答说。
“没关系,”他说,“我以后再打。”

MODERN LIFE
Two old friends got together after many years and soon fell to discussing their husbands' faults.
"We've been married fifteen years," one woman said, "and every night after dinner my husband always complains about the food."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the other. "Does it bother you?"
"Why should it bother me?" her friend replied. "if he can't only stand his own cooking?"
现代生活
两个老朋友分别多年之后又见面了,很快就开始谈起各自丈夫的缺点。
“我们结婚十五年了,”一个妇女说道,“每天晚饭后,我丈夫总要抱怨饭菜。”
“真可恶!”另一个惊呼道。“难道你不烦吗?”
“我烦什么?”她的朋友答道。“他不过是忍受不了自己的烹调技术。”

AN ENERGETIC WIFE
Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?
Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.
Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?
Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.
精力旺盛的妻子
邻居:昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音,你们出了什么事吗?
丈夫:没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴,把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。
邻居:你的大衣?扔掉大衣怎么会有那么大的声音?
丈夫:我......我恰好也在大衣里面。

GOOD ADVICE
The portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctor's office after a routine examination. "Here," said the doctor, "follow this diet, and I want to see three-fourths of you back here for a check-up in three months."
忠告
臃肿的销售经理做过常规体检后,正要离开大夫的诊室。“听着,”大夫说,“遵守这个食谱,我希望3个月后再来这儿体检时能见到四分之三的你。”

THREE PEOPLE
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
三个人
有一个人参观墓地时见到一块墓碑上写着:“在这里安息的是约翰凯利,一个律师,一个诚实的人。”“这是怎么回事!”他叫了起来。“他们在一个坟墓了埋了三个人。”

TWO HEARTS BEATING
Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?
Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.
Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.
两颗心脏在跳动
护士:手术后你感觉怎样?
病人:十分好,只是我能感觉到我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。
护士:怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处寻找他的手表。

AN ANGRY WIFE'S PRAYER
A man is so addicted to gambling that he often comes home late. His wife never stops railing at him. Once he is detained at his office and comes home late. His wife accuses him of gambling again but he swears he was detained in his office. "I pray to God that you are speaking the truth", his wife says.
"May God strike me dead if I am lying."
"Then I pray to God that you are lying", his wife said hopefully.
一个发怒妻子的祈祷
一个男人因嗜赌而经常回家很晚,为此他妻子从没停止过骂他。一次他因工作很晚回到家后,他妻子指责他又去赌博了,可他发誓说这次是因为工作。"我祈祷上帝你说的是实话,"妻子说。
"如果我说谎上帝便赐我于死。"
"那我祈祷上帝你是在说谎。"他妻子充满希望地说。

SHE'D RATHER BUY A GIFT
While on a trip, Mom realized that she had forgotten a present for Dad's birthday. "That's okay," he said, "The only thing I want is for you to love, honor and obey." Mom pondered that idea and then replied "I'd rather buy you a gift."
她宁愿买一件礼物
旅途中,妈妈想起她忘记给爸爸买一件生日礼物。"没关系,"他说,"我最想要的东西是你的爱、忠贞和温顺。"妈妈沉思片刻后回答说,"我宁愿给你买一件礼物。"

Friend for Dinner
"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
请朋友吃饭
  “亲爱的,”丈夫对妻子说:“我邀请了一位朋友回家吃晚饭。”
  “什么?你疯了吗?我们的房子乱糟糟的,我很久没有买过东西回来了,所有的碗碟都是脏的,还有,我可不想做一餐累死人的晚饭。”
  “这些我全都知道。”
  “那你为什么还要邀请朋友回来吃晚饭?”
  “因为那个可怜的笨蛋正考虑要结婚呢。”

Whose Son Is the Greatest
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor.'"
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'"
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds," she said, "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'"
谁的儿子最伟大
  四个神职人员的母亲聚在一起谈论自己的儿子。“我儿子是个牧师,”第一个骄傲的母亲说,“当他走进一个房间时,人们会说,‘您好,牧师。”
  第二个母亲接着说,“我儿子是个主教,当他走进一个房间时,人们会说,‘您好,主教阁下。”
  “我儿子是红衣主教,”第三个母亲继续,“当他走进一个房间时,人们会说,‘您好,尊敬的红衣主教。”
  第四个母亲想了一会儿,说:“我儿子身高6尺10,体重300磅,当他走进一个房间时,人们都说,‘哦,我的上帝!”

The Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
丢失的钱包
  一位女士圣诞节大购物,在匆忙中丢失了钱包。有一个诚实的小男孩找到了钱包并还给她。
  女士看着钱包,说:“嗯,真有趣。我丢失钱包的时候,里面有一张20元的钞票,但现在变成了20张1元的零钞。”
  小孩马上回答道:“没错,小姐。上次我找到了一位女士的钱包,但是她没有零钱作酬金。”
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