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对待批评的八条建议

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I have a very hard time being criticized, corrected, or accused – even of the smallest mistakes – and I react very angrily. I’ve wrestled this instinct under control in a professional context, more or less, but I have more trouble with it at home. All it takes is for the Big Girl to say something like,"You forgot to remind me to bring my library book," to send me into a tirade. "What do you mean…it's not my responsibility…I didn’t know Wednesday was Library Day…" etc., etc.

对我哪怕是最微小的一个批评、纠正或指责,我都会很难接受——而且我会做出十分愤怒的反应。在职业中,我会将这种本能遏制住,但是在家里却难以做到。只需要大女儿说类似:“你忘记提醒我要带图书馆图书”就能让我言辞激烈。“你是什么意思..这不是我的事..我又不知道星期三是图书馆日...”诸如此类的话。

More and more, I see the connection between perfectionism, control, and anger. Zoikes, how I try to be more mild-mannered and easy-going! Here are some of the strategies that I try to use to accept criticism. If I manage to use them, they never fail me, but it can be hard to have the mindfulness needed to apply them.

我越来越发现完美主义、控制和愤怒之间的关系。啊,我是多么努力在要做到更温文尔雅、更随和!下面是我用来接受批评时的策略中的一些。如果我用上它们,就绝对不会让我失望,但是要有一个清醒头脑去用它们却是一件困难的事情。

1. Listen to what a critic is saying. Really listen, try to understand that point of view, don’t just nod while you formulate your retorts.

听一听批评者在说什么。真正倾听,试图了解观点,不要一边点头,一边准备自己的反驳。

2. Don't be defensive. This is the toughest step for me. With my writing, for example, I always have to take a deep breath before reading an edit letter or meeting with an editor, to remind myself, "I welcome criticism. This person is helping me. I’m eager to hear how to improve my book/article/post." Act the way you want to feel! That's my Third Commandment. Along the same lines…

不要用防御心理。对我来说这是最难的一步。例如,在我写作时,我总要在阅读编辑的信或和编辑见面前深吸一口气,来提醒自己:“我欢迎批评。这个人在帮助我。我渴望听一听如何改善我的书/文章/帖子的话”。 你希望获得怎样的感受就怎样去做!这是我的第三条戒律。同理...

3. Don't fire back by criticizing your critic. Your comments will just sound defensive, and you'll escalate the exchange. This urge is very difficult to resist, because the impulse to justify and attack is strong when you feel criticized, but it just isn't helpful, and it certainly isn’t effective.

不要批评你的批评者来反击。 你的话只会听上去有防御心,而且你将会将“交火”升级。这样的冲动很难抵制,因为要理论、攻击对方的冲动在你感觉受到批评时是很强烈,但这并没有帮助,也肯定是没有效果的。

4. Delay your reaction. Count to ten, take a deep breath, sleep on it, wait until the next day to send that email…any kind of delay is good. A friend told me that she has a rule for herself: when she's upset about something that happened at her children's school, she won't let herself do anything about it for three days – and usually she decides that no action is better than action.

延迟你的反应。 数到10、做深呼吸、隔一宿、等到第二天再发出那封电子邮件。任何类别的延迟都有帮助。一位朋友曾告诉我一条她自己的规定:当她对某件发生在她的孩子学校力的事情感到生气,她让自己3天什么也不做--而且往往她认为不采取行动比行动更好。

5. Explain honestly the reason for your actions. Sometimes it's tempting to re-characterize your actual feelings and motives. Usually, though, that just complicates things more. It becomes impossible to have an honest exchange.

诚实地解释你的行为。有时候,改变你的实际的感受和意图是很诱人的做法。但通常这只会让事情更复杂化,让诚实的交流没有可能。

6. Admit your mistakes. This is extremely effective and disarming. When I got my first job, my father told me, "If you take the blame, you'll get the responsibility." I've found that to be very true. Difficult, but true. Admitting mistakes is the first step, then…

承认自己的错误。 这是极为有效、消解的方法。当我获得第一份工作时,我的父亲曾告诉我:“如果你承担了责备,你将会获得责任” 我发现这一点很正确。难但是却正确。承认错误是第一步,接下来...

7. Explain what you've learned. If you can show a critic that you've learned something, you prove that you've understood the criticism and tried to act on it. That, itself, usually mollifies critics.

解释你已经学到了什么。如果你能向一位批评者展示你学到了某样东西,那么你在证明自己已经理解了批评,并且试图采取行动。这本身就能让批评者安静下来。

8. Enjoy the fun of failure. Re-frame the issue entirely to embrace criticism. Fact is, trying new things and aiming high opens you to criticism. I tell myself to Enjoy the fun of failure to try to re-frame failure and criticism as part of the fun. Otherwise, my dread of criticism can paralyze me.

What am I overlooking? Have you found any other strategies that work for you?

享受失败的乐趣。 重新转化这个事情,拥抱批评。事实上,尝试新事物、眼光高都会让你更容易被批评。在《享受失败的乐趣》一文中我告诉自己重建失败、批评,将它们作为乐趣的一部分。不然的话,我对批评的恐惧将让我行为瘫痪。

我漏掉了什么没有?你有没有发现其它有用的方法?

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