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deadweight/[]/ n. 自重, 重负 ...

影视剧本《美国派》

本文属阅读资料
光影时代-专业英文剧本下载/影评基地 K555.Cn
American Pie (1999)
by Adam Herz.
Production draft, white revision: 7/7/98.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
shirts...pants...socks...and hear

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       Oooh, yeah.  Oh, baby, you're so good.

                 JIM (O.S.)
       Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear.  Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
and out.  Bars scroll across it.  And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like --

                 JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
       ...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they're
scrambled.  You just need a decent imagination to fill in
the rest of the picture.  We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
short, horny.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       Give it to me!  Yes!

                 JIM
       Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
to Jim on his bed.  "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       Don't you love my sexy body?!

                 JIM
       I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
the floor.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       You're so big!

                 JIM
       Yeah, that's right.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
           (deep macho voice)
       Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
       Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

                 JIM
       Man, shut up!

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
which JIM'S MOM enters.  Jim scrambles and quickly covers
himself and the dictionary with a pillow.  She's
oblivious to his doings.

                 JIM'S MOM
       Hey, Jimmy.  I just wanted to say
       sweet dreams.

                 JIM
       Yep, okay Mom, 'night.

                 JIM'S MOM
           (leans in to Jim)
       Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted.  Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

                 JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
       Is something wrong with the reception?

                 JIM
       Yeah.  Damn cable.  There's this
       nature show that I'm trying to watch.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       Fuck me!  Yes!

                 JIM
       Uh...

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

                 JIM
           (choking)
       Must...be...broken...

JIM'S DAD enters.

                 JIM'S DAD
       What the heck is this?

                 JIM
       Nothing!

                 JIM'S MOM
       I think he's trying to watch one of
       the illegal channels.

                 JIM
       Jesus, Mom!  They're not illegal!
       They're pay channels.  How could a
       television channel be illegal?!  God,
       get a clue!

                 JIM'S DAD
       James, don't speak that way to your
       mother!

                 PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
       Play with my hairy balls!

                 JIM'S DAD
       Turn that garbage off!  Give me that!

Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
pillow that's been covering Jim.  The pillow gets brushed
aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.

                 JIM'S MOM
       Oh my God!

                 JIM'S DAD
       Honey, why don't you let me handle this
       one.

He ushers her out.  Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
half-naked son.  Horrible, awful embarrassment.  A long,
strained beat.

                 JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
       Jesus Christ.  The dictionary?  Hell,
       son, I'll buy you some dirty
       magazines.

Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head.  Jim sits agape,
humiliated.

                 PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
       Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
To Be"

EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY

The front of the school.  KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
senior.  VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
"Vanderbilt" return address on it.

                 KEVIN
       It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
       You got in.

                 VICKY
       You think so?

She tears it open.  Pulls out a course catalog, various
forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

                 KEVIN
       "Dear Ms. Hughes.  We're sorry, but
       after keeping you on the wait list for
       the past couple months, we've decided
       you are now rejected.  Enclosed is a
       100-page, full-color brochure on how
       rejected you are."

                 VICKY
       Kevin, this is serious!

                 KEVIN
       You got in.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
concert.  Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
hug.

                 VICKY
       I love you!

She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
senior with a football-player build.  He cradles a ball
in a lacrosse stick.

                 OZ
       Illegal channels?  Shit, if there's
       any channel that should be illegal,
       it's whatever that women's channel is.
       Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
       shit.

                 JIM
       Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
       Mermaid on TV the other night?  That
       Ariel, whew.

                 OZ
       She's a mermaid, dude.

                 JIM
           (trumping him)
       Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.

                 OZ
       She's a cartoon, dude.

                 JIM
       A hot cartoon.

                 OZ
       Is there anything you don't jerk off
       to?

                 JIM
       C-Span?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall.  Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
again.  Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

                 KEVIN
       Then she said -- she loves me.

                 OZ
       Oh shit dude, the L-word!

                 JIM
       And you said...

                 KEVIN
       Nothing, I just hugged her back.

                 JIM
       You think she was serious?

                 KEVIN
       I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
       like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
       you Vanderbilt."

                 OZ
       Just don't bring it up, hang low,
       maybe she won't mention it again.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

                 MICHELLE
       And what we should do today, in band?
       Instead of playing our instruments
       regularly?  We should play them
       backwards!  That'll be so funny!

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
to play their instruments from the wrong end.  The guys
shudder.

                 OZ
           (to Jim)
       You guys got the Latin homework?

                 JIM
       No -- Kevin, you?

                 KEVIN
           (offended)
       Please.
           (then)
       We're all golden, we're college bound.
       I figured it out -- I can get a c-
       minus in every class, and it's not
       gonna make a difference.  U of M, here
       I come.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

                 VICKY
       Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.

                 JESSICA
       Yeah right.

                 VICKY
       What?  We both have cars.

                 JESSICA
       Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
       about a post-high school, long-
       distance relationship, and you and
       Kevin haven't even done it yet.

                 VICKY
       That's not why we're going out.

                 JESSICA
       What the hell are you expecting him to
       drive to Vanderbilt for?  Milk and
       cookies?

                 VICKY
       Jessica!  He'll drive there for me,
       and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
       We're going to have sex when he's
       ready and I'm ready.  It's got to be
       completely perfect.  I want the right
       place, the right time, the right
       moment.

                 JESSICA
       Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
       launch, it's sex.  So did you do the
       physics write-up?

                 VICKY
           (offended, a la Kevin)
       Please.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

                 JIM
       There's our man.

                 KEVIN
       Finch, you got the Latin homework?

                 FINCH
       Non habeo.  Canis meus id comedit.

The guys keep staring.  A beat.

                 KEVIN
       Whatever.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall.  Running towards Oz
is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz.  Not really part
of the group.

                 STIFLER
           (yelling)
       NOVA!!

                 OZ
       Stifler!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
hug.

                 STIFLER
       You coming to party tonight,
       Ostreicher, ya fuckface?

                 OZ
       Depends if my date wants to stop by.

                 STIFLER
       That junior chick?

                 OZ
       Nah, gave her the Heisman.  I'm
       working on something new.

                 STIFLER
       Yeah right.  I got an idea for
       something new.  How 'bout you guys
       actually locate your dicks, remove the
       shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.

                 OZ
       Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
       college chick!

                 STIFLER
       Bullshit.  From where?

                 OZ
       She works part-time at my dad's store.

                 STIFLER
       Hah!  Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
       your dad works at her store.

                 OZ
       Dude, he does not.

                 KEVIN
       Really, Stifler.  He's the manager.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

                 STIFLER
       Hey, man, I'm not making fun.  I'm
       fuckin' impressed.  I mean, "Footlong
       or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
       some serious shit to master.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

                 KEVIN
           (half-joking)
       Stifler, you're such an asshole.

                 STIFLER
       Meyers, what's the deal with you and
       Vicky, anyway?  You've been going out
       since Homecoming and all she'll do is
       blow you?  Shit, I'd drop her like a
       steaming turd.

                 FINCH
       Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
       stool?

                 STIFLER
           (momentarily puzzled)
       I do when I'm throwing them at your
       mom, you damn freak.
           (then)
       Alright then, see you guys tonight.
       I'll look for you in the No Fucking
       section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback.  Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
off.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.  Hanging near his closet is a
tuxedo.  INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       You called me to ask me how to get laid?

                 KEVIN
       What was I gonna do, call dad?  I
       don't even know his number.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Just dial 976-Asshole.

                 KEVIN
       Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
       might have some advice, brother to
       brother.  I mean, I think tonight she
       might, we might really, there's a
       chance that -- you know.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Have you ever heard of the bible?

                 KEVIN
       What?  Not the Bible?

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Well, that's not really the name, but
       we always called it that.

                 KEVIN
       Does it tell me how to get laid?

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       You know what, nevermind.  You're not
       ready.

                 KEVIN
       Ready for what?

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Whoop, you're fading out.  Good luck
       at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive.  Despite the theme,
CLASSIC ROCK plays.  Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
table.  They munch on hot dogs piled high with
condiments.

                 KEVIN
       You ever hear of something called The
       Bible?

                 OZ
       Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
Weekly.

                 JIM
       Ooh, here's an easy one:  "Attractive
       SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
       seeks outgoing companion."
       Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.

                 OZ
       "Fun loving" -- insane.

                 KEVIN
       Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
       equals old.

                 JIM
       No, "Charming" is old.  "Older" is
       really old.  "Youthful mind" is dead.

                 FINCH
       Perhaps you should consider actually
       answering an ad.

                 JIM
       Finch, you can be the one to date a
       nearly-dead insane chick.  Eat your
       damn imitation hot dog.

                 FINCH
           ("for the hundredth time")
       This is no imitation.  Removing the
       hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
       better dog.  Behold -- Ultradog, no
       dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog.  It's
all condiments.  The guys react with rehearsed offense.

                 KEVIN
           (checks his watch)
       Alright...I'm shooting for a nine
       o'clock ETA.  Beer in hand by five
       after.

                 JIM
       You can crash at Stifler's?

                 KEVIN
       It's all good.
           (He pulls out some gum)
       Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
Scope.  Gargles with it.  Spits it into his drink cup.

                 OZ
           (repulsed)
       Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.

                 KEVIN
       You got something up your sleeve for
       tonight, Finch?

                 FINCH
       A foolproof plan, my friend.  You
       shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded
by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the
Manfred Mann remake].

                 OZ
           (sings along)
       And little hurly-burly came by in her
       curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
       I ri-hide --

                 KEVIN
       How the hell do you know all these
       random songs?

                 OZ
       It's early Springsteen, dude, this is
       classic.  This was before the cheesy
       remake.

                 JIM
       This was remade?  Into what?

                 OZ
           (chiming in as the chorus hits)
       Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
       like a deuce, another runner in the
       night, blinded...

                 KEVIN
       At least now I know what the hell
       they're saying.

                 JIM
       So, does my hair look better --
           (flips a small lock of hair
            onto his forehead)
       like this, or...
           (flips it back up)
       like this?

                 OZ
       Who cares?

                 JIM
       Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
       chick, she might be there tonight.
       Now, do you think she'd prefer --
           (flips hair down again)
       Cool Hip Jim...
           (flips it back up)
       or Laid Back Jim?

                 KEVIN
       The difference is so phenomenal, I
       can't decide.

EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING

They exit the restaurant.

                 JIM
       What about you?  You're the one with
       the girlfriend and you're still
       stranded on third base.

                 KEVIN
       You know, I've never got that shit.
       What exactly constitutes third base?

                 OZ
           (holds up a couple fingers)
       Contact, dude.

                 KEVIN
       Then where does a blowjob figure in?

They ponder this for a moment.

                 OZ
       Shortstop.  'Course, you don't make it
       to third, and you're out.

                 JIM
       So let's say you get there...what's
       uh, third base feel like?

                 KEVIN
       Oh, man, that's kind of sad.

Jim shrugs, embarrassed.

                 OZ
       Feels like warm apple pie, dude.

                 JIM
       Apple pie...
           (then)
       McDonald's or homemade?

They just look at him.  Finch hops on his scooter.

                 FINCH
       Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.

He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

For a high-school party, it's pretty good.  The house is
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS.  MUSIC
blends with the din of excited conversation.

Kevin and Jim are drinking beers.  Around them, students
mingle and flirt.  CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.

                 SHERMAN
       What's up, fellas?

                 JIM
       Hey Sherman.  Scopin' the babes.

                 SHERMAN
       Indeed.  Some fine ladies here, boys.
       Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
       is high.
       Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
       strategic arsenal ready for
       deployment.

                 JIM
       You've got something going?

                 SHERMAN
       Did you see that Central chick?
       Brunette?

                 KEVIN/JIM
       No.

                 SHERMAN
       She's around.  Seems that she's taken
       a liking to me.  Fellas, it's time
       that she experienced -- The
       Sherminator.

                 KEVIN
       Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.

                 SHERMAN
       I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
       back through time...to change the
       future for one lucky lady.

                 KEVIN
       Yeah man, right on!

Sherman saunters off into the party.

                 KEVIN (CONT'D)
           (shakes his head)
       Hopeless.

Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
EXCHANGING GREETINGS.  Jim spots NADIA across the room.
She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

                 JIM
       Oh, shit!  There she is.  Nadia.

                 VICKY
       You like her?  Her sponsor family
       lives on my block.  Why don't you talk
       to her?

                 JIM
       What would I say?

                 VICKY
       Just tell her what's on your mind.
       And smile, you've got a good smile.
           (then to Kevin)
       Come on.

                 KEVIN
           (to Jim)
       Gotta go.

                 JIM
       But --

Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
sees Nadia approaching him.  He freaks.

                 JIM (cont'd)
       Kevin, get back here!

But he's gone.  And Nadia is now in front of him.  With
no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

                 NADIA
           (with a really sexy accent)
       You are in my English class, no?

Jim smiles.

                 JIM
           (barely)
       Yes.

                 NADIA
       I thought so.

Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid.  A beat.

                 NADIA (cont'd)
       So you are having fun?

Jim nods, still smiling away.  Staring right through her
head.

                 NADIA (cont'd)
       I said, you are having fun?

A little SQUEAK escapes his throat.  Jim is on mental
vacation.

                 NADIA (cont'd)
       Me too.

A beat.  Jim's expression is now plasticized.  Eyes
vacant.  A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
confused.

                 NADIA (cont'd)
       Well...I am going to get another beer.
       You want one?

Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

                 JIM
       No...you...go...ahead.

                 NADIA
       Okay.

She walks off.  Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
huge burden is now off of him.  He wipes his brow.  Then,
realizing --

                 JIM
       Oh, shit.  No!  Shit!

He pounds his head with his fist.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
Michelle.  Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
in disbelief.

                 MICHELLE
       We're here for the party?

                 STIFLER
       What party?  There's no party.

MUSIC blares from inside.  A drunken HAND reaches through
the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.

                 PARTY GUY (O.S.)
       Stiff-lerrr!  Par-tyyy!!

The hand disappears back into the house.  A beat.

                 STIFLER
       Try the house down the street.

Stifler slams the door.  The dorks wait a moment.

                 BAND DORK
       Ring the bell again.

                 MICHELLE
       Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
       just go in.

We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

                 VICKY
       Oh, Kev.

                 KEVIN
       Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
       time for us to take the next step in
       our relationship?

                 VICKY
       Tonight?

                 KEVIN
       Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
       Isn't this how you've always pictured
       it?

                 PARTY GUY (O.S.)
           (yelling)
       Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!

                 PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
       You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
       Go take a shit or something!

Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

                 KEVIN
       Or not.

Vicky pushes him onto his back.

                 VICKY
       Just relax.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK.  She's attractive and older-
looking (from a high-school perspective).  They are
parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
Falls.

                 OZ
       Great evening, isn't it?

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       Sure.

                 OZ
       There's something about the spring
       that's just cool.  Like the smell of
       fresh rain or something.

At this, she snuggles up to him.  Oz smiles confidently.

                 OZ (CONT'D)
       Suck me, beautiful.

The College Chick backs off, confounded.

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       What did you just say?

                 OZ
           (not so confidently)
       Suck me...beautiful?

The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief.  She tries
to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       What?!

Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just
had the rug pulled from under him.

                 OZ
       Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova
       -- as in Casanova.

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       You need some work, buddy!

She bursts into laughter.  Oz is ill.

                 OZ
       Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.

Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       Look, Chris.  There are just some
       things you need to learn, that's all.

                 OZ
       Like what?

She sees that he's lost.  Almost feels sorry for him.

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       Alright, well...you've got to tone it
       down.  You don't need to go to Lookout
       Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
       romantic.

                 OZ
       ...okay...

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       You have to pay attention to a girl.
       Be sensitive to her feelings.
       Relationships are reciprocal.

                 OZ
       I'm not good in math.

She's trying not to laugh again.

                 COLLEGE CHICK
       Come on, I'll drop you off at your
       friends'.

Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
Stifler, and some guys.

                 STIFLER
           (hysterical, toppling over)
       You actually said that?!  Haaaah!!

                 OZ
       Shut the fuck up.

                 JIM
       Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.

                 OZ
       Oh that's really reassuring.  And
       don't call me Nova anymore.  I'm a
       fraud.

                 STIFLER
       This is pathetic.  I'm gonna find me a
       little hottie.

Stifler strides into another room.

                 STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd)
           (yelling)
       Suck me, beautiful!

Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.

                 VICKY
           (brief pause)
       Let me know.

                 KEVIN
       Okay, don't stop.

She resumes.  A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
lose it.

                 KEVIN (cont'd)
       Oh -- Now!

With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
frantically searches for a receptacle.  He grabs a nearby
cup of beer.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg.  A fresh beer foams
out into the cup.

                 GUY #1
       There we go.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Vicky is buttoning up her shirt.  Kevin tentatively sets
down the beer and buttons his pants.  Suddenly the DOOR
BURSTS OPEN.  Stifler is standing there.  A coat hanger
sticks out of the doorknob.

                 STIFLER
       SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!

                 KEVIN
       God dammit, Stifler!

                 STIFLER
       Check-out time!  Please vacate the
       room.

                 VICKY
       Stifler, you're such a jerk.

She runs out, grabbing her clothes.  Kevin runs after
her.

                 KEVIN
       Vicky, wait!

Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
CHICK behind him.  He closes the door.

                 SOPHOMORE CHICK
       God, I can't believe there are so many
       cool people at this party.

                 STIFLER
       Yep.

                 SOPHOMORE
       And you got a keg, too, wow.
           (realizing)
       Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.

Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.
He hands it to her.

                 STIFLER
       Here, babe.

                 SOPHOMORE CHICK
       Thanks.

She's about to take a sip.

                 STIFLER
           (gazing into her eyes)
       You're really beautiful.

Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

                 SOPHOMORE CHICK
       Really?

                 STIFLER
       Uh huh.

She's totally enthralled.  Nervous, she raises the beer
again to take a sip.  Then Stifler moves in.  Takes the
beer from her and sets it down.  Starts kissing her.  She
breaks it off.

                 SOPHOMORE CHICK
       I don't know if I want to be doing
       this.

                 STIFLER
           (sighs)
       Doing what?

Stifler looks inconvenienced.  He picks up the beer,
annoyed.

                 SOPHOMORE CHICK
       You know.  If we hook up, tomorrow
       I'll just be some girl you go telling
       all your friends about.

                 STIFLER
           (shifty)
       No way.

Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

                 SOPHOMORE CHICK
           (a little angry)
       Steve!  You could at least look at me
       when you say that.

Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
Lowers it.  Stares her in the eye.

                 STIFLER
       Look...
           (searching, remembers)
       ...Sarah.  I wouldn't go telling
       stories or whatever about you.  I
       promise.

Smiling, he raises the beer...

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

                 JIM
       What the hell?  I should be able to
       talk to chicks.  I'm articulate.  I
       got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
           (starts listing off words)
       Copious.  Verisimilitude.

A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

                 JIM (CONT'D)
           (unaffected)
       Intransigence.

A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs.  The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
running through the kitchen.  SCREAMING.  And
indeterminate stain is on her shirt.  She bolts out the
door and into the night.  A moment passes.

                 JIM (CONT'D)
       Regurgitation.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet.  Jim and
a few other guys rush in.

                 GUY #1
       Oh, gross.

                 JIM
       Jesus, what did you eat?

Stifler just keeps hurling.  Kevin enters, holding the
remains of the tainted beer.

                 KEVIN
       Stifler, how's the man chowder?!

Stifler barfs even more violently.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

                 VICKY
       He likes it.

                 JESSICA
       Of course he does.  What about you?
       Have you just never had one with Kevin
       -- or have you never had one, period?

                 VICKY
       I think I've had one.

                 JESSICA
       Well that's a no.  No wonder you're
       not psyched about sex.
           (starts filling Vicky's beer)
       You've never even had one manually?

                 VICKY
       ...I've never tried it.

                 JESSICA
       Are you kidding?  You've never double-
       clicked your mouse?

Vicky shrugs.

                 JESSICA (CONT'D)
       Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
       set me off.
           (noticing Nadia next to them,
            she passes the tap along)
       Am I right or what, Nadia?

                 NADIA
           (no bones about it)
       You are right.  The hands are not
       always necessary.

                 JESSICA
           (to Vicky)
       See?

                 NADIA
       In fact -- I should teach you my own
       special method.  I developed it myself
       at the ballet institute in Prague.
       You use nothing but the muscles of the
       inner thigh.

Nadia walks off.

                 JESSICA
       No wonder she never pays attention in
       class.

Vicky nods, traumatized.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER

Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM
on the wall.  Very attractive, late 30's.

                 JIM
       Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
       like this produced a guy like Stifler.

TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

                 FRESHMAN GUY
       Dude!  That chick -- is a MILF!

                 FRESHMAN GUY #2
       What the hell is that?

                 FRESHMAN GUY
       M-I-L-F!  Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches.  Sherman
pokes his head out.

                 SHERMAN
           (hushed, to guys)
       Don't you think you fellas could try a
       little tact?  I've got company.  Know
       what I mean?

In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
Girl.  Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
dumbstruck.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT

Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

                 KEVIN
           (snapping)
       Dammit!  If Sherman has sex before I
       do, I'm gonna be really fucking
       pissed.

They turn the corner into the kitchen.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

                 KEVIN
       Man, I just gotta get laid already!
       This blowjob thing is bullshit!

He stops.  Vicky is there with Jessica.  Staring at him.
Vicky quietly grabs her purse.  Hurt.  OTHER STUDENTS
watch, silently.  Kevin doesn't know what to say.

                 VICKY
       Jessica, can you drive me home?

                 JESSICA
       Sure.

The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

                 KEVIN
       Vicky, wait.

                 VICKY
       Not for you.

The girls exit.  Nobody says anything.  Kevin is in
shock.

                 PARTY GUY (O.S.)
       Yeti!  I am the Yeti!

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY

The next morning.  The party is long over.  Plastic beer
cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not
trashed.

Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head.  He
stumbles over a body.  It's Kevin.

                 KEVIN
       Ow, what the hell?

                 JIM
       Sorry, I thought you were dead.

They walk over to the other side of the room.  Finch is
sitting on the couch.

                 FINCH
       Good morning gentleman.

                 JIM
       Finch!  Where were you last night?
       What happened to the foolproof plan?

                 FINCH
       I thought a fashionably late entrance
       would enhance my appearance.
           (off their looks)
       When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
       over and the nymphs had left.

Oz wanders in, still sullen.  Takes a seat, sulking.

                 KEVIN
       Feeling better, Oz?

                 OZ
       I'm such a loser.

                 KEVIN
       That's the spirit.

We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs.  It's the
CENTRAL GIRL.  She wears a "Central" sweatshirt.  Sherman
follows behind her.  The guys watch in disbelief as
Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.

                 SHERMAN
           (snippets of conversation)
       ...I'll never forget...thank you.

The Central Girl smiles.  Notices the other guys
watching.  Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

                 CENTRAL GIRL
       Bye.

She exits.  The guys are dumbfounded.  Jaws hang.
Sherman looks triumphant.  Strides over to the guys.

                 JIM
       You did it.

                 SHERMAN
       Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
       the boy.  I am now a man.

The guys are shocked and amazed.

                 SHERMAN (CONT'D)
       I highly recommend you join the club.

                 KEVIN
       I -- I don't get it, how the hell did
       you do that?

                 SHERMAN
       It was just my time, fellas, it was
       just my time.  Best of luck to you,
       boys.

Sherman exits.  Silence.  The guys look like they just
lost the World Series on errors.  They slowly take seats,
ruined.

                 KEVIN
       I put in months of quality time with
       Vicky.  Sherman meets a chick for one
       night and scores?  This is just wrong.

                 OZ
       No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
       How the hell am I gonna become this
       Mr. Sensitive Man?

                 JIM
       Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
       as virgins.  They've probably got
       special dorms for people like us.

A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
group.

                 KEVIN
       Alright, I got an idea.  But it stays
       between us.  Agreed?

They do.

                 KEVIN (cont'd)
       Okay.  It's really simple.  We
       make an agreement -- no wait, more
       than an agreement.

                 JIM
       Like a bet?

                 KEVIN
       No, a pact.  No money involved.  This
       is more important than any bet.  Now
       here's the deal: We all get laid
       before we graduate.

A beat

                 OZ
       Dude, it's not like I haven't been
       trying to get laid.

                 KEVIN
       This is different.  This is better.
       Think of when you're working out, Oz.
       You need a partner, someone to spot
       you.  Someone to keep you motivated.

Oz nods, getting into it.  Kevin smiles and continues,
arms outspread.

                 KEVIN (CONT'D)
       That's what we are, we keep each other
       on track.  Prior to this day, we've
       postured.  We've procrastinated.
       We've pretended.  We've -- well I
       can't think of other p-words, but
       we've probably done them too.

                 JIM
       Pontificated.

                 KEVIN
           (ignoring him)
       Separately, we are flawed and
       vulnerable.  But together, we are the
       masters of our sexual destiny!

                 JIM
           (kung fu voice)
       Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
       but our dragon style will defeat it!

                 OZ
           (going on)
       The Sha-lin masters from east and west
       must unite!

                 KEVIN
       Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
       fucking moment here.  Now think about
       it --

Kevin jumps up on a chair.

                 KEVIN (CONT'D)
       No longer will our penises remain
       flaccid and unused!  From now on, we
       fight for every man out there who
       isn't getting laid when he should be!
       This is our day!  This is our time!
       And, by God, we're not gonna let
       history condemn us to celibacy!  We
       will make a stand!  We will succeed!
       We will get laid!

Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
front of him.  One by one, the guys pile their hands on
top, in between them -- it's a pact!  They break with a
CHEER.  Woo-hoo!

                 STIFLER
           (wandering down from upstairs)
       What the hell are you losers doing?

They all stop.  Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
mouth.  A goatee of dried toothpaste.

                 FINCH
       If I might ask, when you brush your
       teeth, do you spit or swallow?

Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
and heads back upstairs.

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The guys are finishing up breakfast.  Hot dogs & eggs.

                 KEVIN
       Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
       consensual sex.  No funny stuff.  And
       no prostitutes, if you were thinking
       about that, Finch.

Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"

                 KEVIN (CONT'D)
       So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
       last big chance.

                 OZ
       Dude, prom sucks.

                 KEVIN
       I know, but think about it -- At the
       parties that night.  Chicks are gonna
       want to do it.

                 JIM
       Yeah, it's like tradition or
       something.

                 KEVIN
       Right.  That gives us...

                 JIM
       Exactly three weeks to the day.

They take this in with some trepidation.

                 KEVIN
       Alright then.  It's official.  Any
       questions?

There are none.  Kevin raises his Pepsi.

                 KEVIN (cont'd)
       To the next step.

The guys raise their drinks.

                 ALL
       To the next step.

They toast.  And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
FOR SEX MONTAGE:

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
pages.  Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing.  Kevin dials.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
which Kevin takes.  They part ways.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
confusion.  A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
pottery with little sponges.  Oz looks dubious.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is unpacking his lunch.  He carefully unfolds a
napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed.  Other than
that, he's doing absolutely nothing.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
attached to his computer.  The computer screen reads, "E-
DATE:  We Make Love Happen."  As Jim fiddles with the
camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE.  We see he's in the
"Religion" section.  Surrounded by piles of different
bibles.  No luck.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch pulls out a small mustard packet.  He neatly snips
the end with scissors.  Then rolls the packet, like a
tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
bit of mustard.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim is on his computer.  The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
REPLIES."  Jim is nonplussed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
locker, holding their backpacks open.  Kevin holds a big
shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
falls out.  He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
examining them.

And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

                 JIM
           (shoving the rubbers into his
            night table)
       Just a minute!

He opens the bedroom door.  Jim's Dad is standing there.

                 JIM'S DAD
           (trying not to look inside)
       Can I come in?

                 JIM
       Yeah, sure.

                 JIM'S DAD
       You're not...busy?

                 JIM
       Dad, come in.

Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
He takes a seat on Jim's bed.

                 JIM'S DAD
           (fatherly attempt)
       Sit down, Jim.  Let's talk.

Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

                 JIM
       Okay.

                 JIM'S DAD
       These are for you.  From father to
       son.

Jim looks at the bag.  Uncomfortable.  Hesitantly, he
takes it.  Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
PERFECT 10.

                 JIM
       Uh...dad...

Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

                 JIM'S DAD
       Go ahead son, there's more.

Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag.  Cringes.
Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

                 JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
       Now, that one's a little more...a
       little more...graphic.

                 JIM
       I know, Dad.

                 JIM'S DAD
       Oh, okay.  Here's let me show you.

Jim's Dad takes the bag back.  Pulls out a copy of
SHAVED.

                 JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
       This, son, is your more exotic dirty
       magazine.

                 JIM
       Dad!  I know!

                 JIM'S DAD
       Do you know about the clitoris?

                 JIM
           (through clenched teeth)
       Yes dad.

                 JIM'S DAD
       Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
       locate.

                 JIM
           (interrupting, hand up)
       Thank you, dad, I got it.

                 JIM'S DAD
       Okay, well that about covers it.

Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

                 JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
       Now, let's put these somewhere where
       your mother won't find them.

Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines.  He goes to open
Jim's night table.  Jim freaks.

                 JIM
       Wait!

But it's too late.  Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
unraveled prophylactics.  He sours.

                 JIM'S DAD
           (beaten)
       I'll have to save this speech for
       another day.  I'm too worn out.

Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY

Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

                 KEVIN
       Did you get the flowers?
           (no response)
       What about the poem?

She doesn't care.

                 KEVIN (cont'd)
       Vicky, please don't do this.

Vicky stares him right in the eye.  Strong.

                 VICKY
       I'll think about it.

She slams her locker and walks off.  Jessica is nearby.
She's overheard.

                 JESSICA
       Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
       That's easy, she likes you.  What you
       need to do is learn to press a girl's
       buttons.  You gotta give her what
       she's never had.

                 KEVIN
       What?

                 JESSICA
       I'll give you a hint.
           (hot, orgasmic)
       "Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
           (flat)
       Comprende?

                 KEVIN
       You mean...and orgasm?

                 JESSICA
       You got it, stud.

                 KEVIN
       Well...I'm pretty sure I've --

                 JESSICA
           (interrupts authoritatively)
       No you haven't.

                 KEVIN
       But that one time --

                 JESSICA
           (shaking head)
       No.

                 KEVIN
       Well of course I'd want to give her
       that.  I mean, what do you think, I
       don't care about her?

                 JESSICA
       Do you?

                 KEVIN
       Of course.

                 JESSICA
       Do you love her?

Kevin squirms.

                 KEVIN
       I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
       that.

                 JESSICA
       Well, if you want to get her in the
       sack, tell her you love her.  That's
       how I was duped.

                 KEVIN
       I don't want to dupe her, Jessica.  If
       I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.

                 JESSICA
       Well it's up to you.  The Big L, or
       the Big O.

Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

                 STIFLER
       Dickhead!  You gotta see this.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER

The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").
Singing with the group is none other than Oz.  He's not
doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various
vocal jazz girls.  Smiling at them, giving suave little
waves.

Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
auditorium, listening.

                 JIM
       This is unexpected.

                 STIFLER
       What did you cocks do to him?  Shit,
       if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
       kick Oz off the team on principle
       alone.

The song finishes.  Oz bounds up to the other guys.

                 OZ
       Hey guys, you came to watch me in
       action?

                 JIM
       Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.

                 STIFLER
       I think you need your balls
       reattached.

                 OZ
       Keep it down, dude.

                 STIFLER
       What the fuck are you doing here?

                 OZ
       This place is an untapped resource.
       Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
       girls are hot.

ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.

                 VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
       Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
       singing with us.

                 VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
       Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
       his forehead.

                 HEATHER
       I think he's got a nice voice.

                 VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
           (ribbing her)
       Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
       him how to read.

Heather shakes her head.  BACK TO:

                 STIFLER
       You dipshit, you're expecting to score
       with some goody-goody choir-girl
       priss?

                 OZ
       Dude, watch me work.  They go for
       sensitive studs like me.

Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER

Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
Kevin and Jim approach.

                 KEVIN
       This is your plan, Finch?

                 FINCH
       Yep.

He turns a page.  Skims the articles.  A beat.

                 KEVIN
       This.  Right now.

                 FINCH
       Uh-huh.

                 JIM
       You're just gonna sit there and drink
       your coffee?

                 FINCH
       Mochaccino.
           (then)
       Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
       do need to ask for your cooperation in
       one small matter.

                 KEVIN
       Of course, Finch.  What?

                 FINCH
       Whatever you hear about me, you agree.

                 KEVIN
       What are we gonna hear?

                 FINCH
       You'll see.  Gotta go.  Sixteen
       minute round trip.

                 JIM
       Finch, don't you think it's about time
       you learned to take a dump at school?

                 FINCH
       When was the last time you looked at
       the facilities here?

                 KEVIN
       Fifteen minutes ago.

Finch shudders and walks away.  Kevin and Jim stand
there, dumbfounded.  An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

                 ENTHRALLED GIRL
       Uh, guys?  Was that Paul Finch?

                 KEVIN
       Yeah.

                 ENTHRALLED GIRL
       You guys have like, seen him in the
       locker room, right?

                 KEVIN
       Yeah.

                 ENTHRALLED GIRL
       Is it true that he's really...huge?

                 JIM
       I have no idea.  Finch showers in a
       bathing suit.

                 KEVIN
           (forced)
       No -- it's true.  He is...really...
       big.

                 JIM
           (loving it)
       Yeah, enormous.

                 ENTHRALLED GIRL
       Woah.  Does he have a date for prom
       yet.

                 JIM
       Definitely not.

                 ENTHRALLED GIRL
       No way!

She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
They all seem very interested.

                 KEVIN
           (dumbfounded)
       Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
       he's got girls lining up already.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
       Say that again, Kevin?

                 KEVIN
       Uh...I thought you might know a trick
       or something.  To make her, you
       know...

INTERCUT WITH

INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY

Kevin's brother is on his cell phone.  A SUSHI CHEF
prepares food behind the counter.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Orgasm?

The Sushi Chef looks up.  Kevin's Brother turns away.

                 KEVIN
       Yeah.

                 SUSHI CUSTOMER
           (to Kevin's Brother)
       What's good here?

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

                 KEVIN
       What?!  How do I do that?

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       Uh -- forget that.  Look, is that all
       you're interested in?  Ways to get
       your girlfriend into bed?

                 KEVIN
       Well, no.  I think...I guess it would
       be good to be able to return the
       favor.  I mean, it would be nice to
       know she enjoys things as much as I
       do.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       That's good, that's what I needed to
       hear.  Now you qualify.

                 KEVIN
       Qualify for what?

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER
       You've just inherited The Bible.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section.  He
carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
       It originally started as a sex manual,
       this book that some guys brought back
       from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
       What to do with your tongue, things
       like that.  And each year, it got
       passed on to one East student who was
       worthy of it.

Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
bibles on the bottom shelf.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
       After a couple years, guys started
       adding their own techniques.  Things
       they figured out themselves.

Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
shelf.  Pulls out a pocket knife.  Flips up the bottom of
the shelf.  Slides it out.

                 KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
       You have to keep it a secret, and
       return it at the end of the year.  So,
       now you know.  Good luck.

There, a bit dusty, is an old book.  Many extra pages of
notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
the binding.  The original title is now obscured -- over
it, someone has written "The Bible."

Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue?  It's
like that right now.

Kevin carefully pulls it out.  Reverently flips through
it.  Full of details.  Explicit diagrams.  Anecdotes.
And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
date it was added.

Kevin reaches the last page.  It's blank.  He lightly
runs his hand down the empty page.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
shoulder.

                 JIM
           (yells)
       Mom?!  I'm home!

No response.  Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
fresh-baked pie on the counter.  Next to it is a note:
"Jimmy - Apple, your favorite.  I'll be home late.
Enjoy!  Love Mom."

Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma.  Then stops...as
a quizzical look spreads across his face.

After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
pie.  Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

Then Jim becomes more curious.  We can see the gears in
his head start to turn.  He looks down at the pie like
it's... well, not a pie.

EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
His face drops, appalled.

                 JIM'S DAD
       Jim?

                 JIM
       It's not what it looks like!

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
the table.  Jim stares into his lap, humiliated.  Jim's
dad is crushed.  You've never seen such disappointment...
but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.

In the middle of the table is the pie.  It's decimated.
Mushed up, ruined...violated.

                 JIM'S DAD
           (fighting back tears)
       I guess...we'll just tell your
       mother...that we ate it all.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Late.  Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the
Bible.

If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this
book, we'd have a nation of geniuses.  He's scrutinizing
it.  Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
decipher cave paintings.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song.  Oz is singing
along, really making it look like he's into it.  He
closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm.  As
the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the
number.  The thing is, it actually sounds really good.

Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially
the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.

The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

                 CHOIR TEACHER
       What the hell was that?

                 OZ
       Sorry.

                 CHOIR TEACHER
       No, it was good.

                 OZ
       Oh, well...
           (noticing Heather looking at
            him, he acts "sensitive")
       It came from the heart.

                 CHOIR TEACHER
       Well then keep it coming.
           (to everyone)
       Alright, people, good work!  Keep it
       up and we'll do great at the state
       competition.

Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

                 HEATHER
       Not bad, Chris.

                 OZ
           (surprised himself)
       Really?  Hey, thanks -- Heather,
       right?

                 HEATHER
       Yeah...so...you've got this sort of...
       Bobby McFerrin thing going there.

                 OZ
           (no idea)
       Yeah.  Right, uh-huh.
           (then, back into it)
       I feel like I've discovered this whole
       new side of me.  Music is so
       expressive.

                 HEATHER
           (amused)
       Okay.
           (then)
       I mean, I agree, but...aren't you
       supposed to be out, like, trying to
       decapitate someone with your lacrosse
       stick or something?

Oz "gets serious" at this.

                 OZ
       Oh sure.  I know what people think.
       It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
       lacrosse player -- I also play
       football, by the way -- But that's
       like...not all that I am.

                 HEATHER
       Of course, I didn't --

                 OZ
           (cutting her off)
       I mean it really bothers me when
       people try to pigeonhole me like that.

                 HEATHER
           (sparking to this)
       You?  You think I don't get that?
       God, it's like just because I don't
       get drunk and barf every weekend,
       people say "Oh, here's this goody-two-
       shoes choir-girl priss."

Of course, this is what Stifler said about her.  And for
a moment, this catches Oz off guard.

                 OZ
       Yeah...so like, what else do you do?

                 HEATHER
           (offended)
       Well the same things you do.  Hang out
       with friends and stuff, you know,
       whatever.
           (then)
       What do you think I do?

                 OZ
           (genuine)
       I just -- realized that I didn't know
       anything about you.  I was interested.

                 HEATHER
       Oh...well that's okay.  Cool.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY

Kevin is walking home with Vicky.  He's a couple paces
behind her, almost tagging along.

                 KEVIN
       I was being selfish.  And majorly
       insensitive.  And I'm a total idiot.

                 VICKY
       I think "shithead" really says it.

                 KEVIN
       Yes!  I'm a shithead!  I'm a complete
       and total shithead!

She cracks a little smile.

                 KEVIN (CONT'D)
       And I want to try to make it up to
       you.

                 VICKY
       How?

Vicky stops walking.  Looks at Kevin.

EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY

Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING
IN ECSTASY.

                 VICKY (V.O.)
       Oh...ungghhhhh!

                 KEVIN (V.O.)
       Shhhh.  Your parents are downstairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

                 VICKY
       Oh Kevin -- don't stop!

                 KEVIN
       Just a second!

We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor.  Vicky's legs
are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting
the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed.  It's open to
a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."

Kevin resumes, out of frame.  Vicky goes nuts.

                 VICKY (cont'd)
           (a little too loudly)
       Oh, God!

Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow.  She squeezes it over
her face, moaning into it.

                 VICKY (cont'd)
       Moly shmmmt!  Fmmkkkk!

Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously
pulls out The Bible from under the bed.  Sets it next to
her.  He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
back again.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta.  On the fridge, we
see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait,
National Honor Society certificate, a report card.

                 VICKY'S MOM
           (yells to Vicky's Dad)
       Hon?  Can you tell Vick to come on
       down for supper?

VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper.  He gets
up with a GRUNT.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky can barely control herself.  She SCREAMS into the
pillow.

                 KEVIN
       Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock
       on your door.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY

Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy.  Groans.  Kevin
keeps referencing The Bible.  Whatever he's doing, it's
working.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is about to explode.  She pulls the pillow off her
face, gasping.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.

                 VICKY (O.S.)
       I'M COMING!

Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
downstairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad
looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the
hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's
door.

          										
															
				
				
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